Part Five

YOU ARE A BADASS MUTHAF***ER… 

The Freedom Journal Part 5 (on the anniversary of my 5th year of sobriety)

He looked me square in the eye across the kitchen table and said: “Nup! You won’t make it son… You’re gonna drink again.”

I remember being insulted by the old man’s accusation. How dare he? I thought. Me? Didn’t he know what I had been through? After all, I was 7 months sober now, and just having left a rehab I thought I was doing pretty darn well, thank you very much. 

Little did I know that I was still in my honeymoon period. The afterglow of the newly recovered. Yes, I was as green as they come. Fresh outta rehab.

The bloke across the table had more than 50 years of sobriety over me. And he probably knew a flake when he saw one. 

Now when I think back, that accusation made with a pointed finger over a cup of tea one afternoon in the Blenheim suburbs by an AA older timer – whether it was prophetic or not – had an enormous impact on me. And it was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. 

For one, I was determined to prove that old bastard wrong. And, two: it really brought me down off my high horse and into the real world. Because when it comes to staying sober, well… gee, you can have as many ideas as you want: you can make as many lists, goals, vision boards, and you can think yourself into as many ultimatums as you please – ‘I will never drink again’ - but when the rubber meets the road, in real-time and in real life, that’s when the going gets tough. That’s when the nail-biting, edge of your seat shit starts to really kick in.

“Little did I know that I was still in my honeymoon period.”

Let me just put it straight to you. What the old-timer said to me that day had me white-knuckling it through my first year and a half of recovery. I was adamant to prove everyone wrong. And since most people had their doubts about my sobriety, I was ready to dig my heels in and stay clean.

But it wasn’t until I had changed my old beliefs about drinking that I started to feel smoother waters.

(But sometimes first you just need a good kick up the arse).

Growing up as a male in New Zealand, the one overarching myth I had become to believe was that drinking was something adult men do. And subsequently drinking hard, makes you hard. The more piss you can put away, the god damn meaner you were. The more drugs you did, the harder you became. 

For me, I was under the impression that chemicals and inebriation were a defining part of who I was in my world. It defined me as an individual because it separated me from the banal, the ordinary, the dull vanilla, the machination of conformity. Drugs and alcohol not only made me feel like I was hard, it distinguished me from the conventional stiffs of the world. It made me – and please don’t hit me – and for lack of a better word: ‘real’. Yes, big chips on the shoulder often make for poor man’s chips in the game of life. 

Drugs and booze didn’t make me hard. Coz here’s the deal. Yes, here’s the thing that was staring me in my stupid face for the longest time: drugs and alcohol are pain killers! They don’t make you hard. They soften the blows of real life. 

“Drugs and alcohol not only made me feel like I was hard, it distinguished me from the conventional stiffs of the world. ”

That’s right! It’s actually harder to take responsibility for your actions, to care for others, to sit down and deal with your anxiety, and your stress, and the work-a-day struggle of being an adult. It’s tougher to grow up and do the right thing than it is the anaesthetize yourself with chemicals. Yes, it is.

If you think you’re a hardass, try going without chemicals for a month, 3 months, or a year. For many, the idea of going out to dinner without a glass of wine or beer seems improbable. For a lot of us, having a drink after a hard day’s work – for relief – is just a normal part of being grown-up. And yes, for a good chunk of adults in NZ we conflate the myth of alcohol as being necessary to have a good time. 

So yes, if you haven’t had a drink today. Just remember, it’s harder to not pick up than it is. YES. YOU are a Bonafede badass muthafucker today because you didn’t have a drink. 

You are harder than most. And here’s some great reasons why:

- Today you don’t need a drink to unwind, alleviate stress of boredom.

- Today you don’t need a drink to have a conversation

- Today you don’t need a drink to flirt with someone

- Today you don’t need a drink to forget about your problems

- Today you don’t need a drink to sleep

- Today you don’t need a drink to enjoy your meal

- Today you don’t t need a drink to feel joy

- Today you don’t need a drink to dance or have a good time

- Today you are badass!

“It’s tougher to grow up and do the right thing than it is the anaesthetize yourself with chemicals.”

Yeah. So, this week is my fifth year sober. 

That bloke at the kitchen table that said I wouldn’t make it is still an old-timer for the local Alcoholics Anonymous. He’s saved plenty of lives. And he has earned the respect of his community. 

But he hasn’t been proven wrong yet. Ya see all it would take would be for me to pick up one drink, or drug, and it’d be all over rover. And that old fella would point his gnarly finger across the table at me and say: “Ya see, I told ya so.”

But I guess I’m going to have to prove him wrong again. Just today. Because it doesn’t matter what tomorrow brings, I only have to stay sober one day at a time. And eventually, another year of recovery may just pass me by. If I’m lucky.

Just remember, the myths about who we are, are often wrong. You are harder and more badass sober than you are drunk or high. Just remember that. 

Today, I know that it wasn’t drugs and alcohol that defined me, it was my beliefs. I still like to think I can tantrum in the shadows of banality, in my own silly way. But I certainly don’t need chemicals as a road map. I can swagger with the best of them across the territory so much better sober. 

Yes, I too am a badass muthafucker. 

Written by: David James.