Steph Lai
My name is Steph, but I started out life as Stephen, I was born a male. I realised early on, around 4 or 5, that I was different from the other kids. Although I was anatomically a boy, I definitely didn’t feel like one, I was much more interested in playing with barbies than trucks! As a young child, I don’t think this had a massive impact on me really, at most I think I just felt uncomfortable when I was teased or called names. Standard schoolyard mentality.
The older I got, the more my interest in makeup grew, as did my love of dressing up from my mom's closet. As a little kid my parents just laughed about it and thought it was cute, but as I got older and I didn’t “grow out of it” they didn’t want to talk about it. I guess it was easier for them to pretend it wasn’t happening. So I became better at hiding that part of my life. Maybe I thought it would be less stressful for everyone.
Internally the feelings I had of being female were getting stronger and more obvious, I was different.
Although my parents could see I wasn’t the same as the typical Asian boys in our neighbourhood, I’m sure they still loved me and tried not to treat me differently. After being estranged from them for many years, I emailed explaining why I avoided seeing them and their response struck a chord. They said; ‘we weren’t given a manual on how to bring you up, you are so different’. That spoke volumes. It made me realise how hard it must have been for them, how isolated they must have felt. They were probably just as lost as I was. I didn’t have a support system around me to help me navigate my way, and it would have been the same for them. Not talking about the situation seemed the best way to deal with it.
“There was no awareness then, no LGBTQ taught at school to help educate. We now know that education is key to acceptance.”
We moved to New Zealand for a better way of life when I was about 13. It was a small town, and we settled into life in a predominately Asian community.
When I was 15, there was a talent quest at school, I seized this opportunity to do a rendition of ‘the first wives club,’ allowing me my first public appearance dressed as a woman. I felt amazing, but it was a terrible struggle for my parents. They felt embarrassed as the Asian community was conservative so the backlash was tough on them. Some people might have been accepting, but my parents were so uncomfortable.
Being judged at a young age definitely toughened me up, gave me a thick skin. I don’t take any negative comments on board, we can’t control the way people act or think, I just find it sad. Over the years I have used humour to deflect negativity and to diffuse tricky or potentially dangerous situations. I realised early on that if people took the time to get to know me, they would accept me more readily. People will always be curious about us, they may not have the tools to convey what they mean, their questions may seem insensitive or cruel but without exposure how will they learn? I live in Sydney now, the people in bigger cities seem to be more accepting across the board of many minority groups, maybe it’s as they are more exposed to them.
It was quite a process to go from ‘Stephen’ to Steph, the emotional side probably even more physically. I was lucky as I didn’t really need hormone therapy as my build and facial structure is naturally feminine.
I spent a lot of time finding myself, getting to know myself, step by step, and with the help of a psychiatrist, I transitioned to the Steph I am today.
Physically I only took hormones for a few months and then I got my breast implants. This was a massive change for me, I was looking like the person I had always felt like inside. I grew my hair long, was wearing makeup and dressing in more feminine clothes, but there was one more step. I legally changed my name. That was huge!
““I FELT LIKE I’D FOUND ME”
”
I slid right into the female role, day by day I became more feminine, it just felt right.
It’s crazy how life has evolved regarding transgender. Social media has been such a large part of this, as has the Caitlyn Jenner story.
I remember the day her vanity fair cover came out. My transgender (TG) friend and I were watching it all unfold on TV in London. It was a life-changing moment for so many people. A famous male olympian transitioning into a woman changed everything. I remember the very next day getting a call from THE SUN (newspaper UK). They booked me to replicate 3 TG women to look like Caitlin’s covers. TG felt mainstream!
We felt validated… that’s the power of a celebrity.
I do sometimes wondered if she had the choice, would Caitlyn have wanted to let the entire world know? It was such a huge role and an overwhelming responsibility placed on her shoulders that forever changed the TG community, but given a choice, would she have done differently?
Life was a struggle in the early days. Clashes with family saw me run away to wellington. Thankfully, at this point, I had a support system in my new community/family. These people showed me the acceptance and love I craved. I was still trying to find my way in the world. Further education was of no interest to me, regardless of the pressures I felt. My love of makeup ran deep, and I trusted my intuition. I secretly took the bus to Auckland and checked out a makeup academy. That was a massive turning point, I knew what I wanted to do and to my parents' credit, they saw my passion and helped finance my new dream.
Makeup felt like my superpower as my talent grew. From the early days of secretly wearing makeup to becoming the successful makeup artist, I am today. Little did I know my secret would become my passion.
20 years of being estranged from my parents means they have not met the Steph I am today. My sister and I are still in contact, generationally she has an acceptance of who I am. Over the years my friends have become my family, I have many TG friends all around the world and we have been a great support to each other. In the last year, my parents and I have opened the channels of communications, this is a massive breakthrough and I hope that a reunion will be in our future. I sometimes wonder if therapy had been offered to them in the early days that things may have played out differently.
“Did they feel like they had failed as parents producing a “broken” child? If we’d had open conversations and professional help, the story may have been very different. ”