Part One
Hello. My name is David. I am a New Zealand photographer and I am really grateful to be alive today. It took losing everything, to be here. But I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I hope by the end of this short run of words that I may be able to change your mind about who you think you are today, and perhaps… If you are struggling right now with any kind of addiction, that you’ll find the courage to take one small step towards freedom. Freedom from managing lies. Freedom from constant health problems. Freedom from anxiety, lethargy, the lack of spark in your life. Freedom to be the person you were always supposed to be.
My story is not unfamiliar at all, and addiction does not discriminate. It can affect anyone. By the time I found myself at one of many rock bottoms, I was living on the streets of New York City, with no money, and no friendly place to go.
I spent the best part of 20 years of my life immersed in drugs, alcohol and the poorest management of false appearances. Lies. No money. Poor health. Failed relationships. And worse: the shell of the person I had become, which I had to lug around day after tiring day. By the time I found myself in a publicly funded rehab back home in New Zealand, I couldn’t even remember who I was anymore
I was sick. Really, really sick.
And while I had to be detoxed long before I found myself in the drug and alcohol treatment center, I entered those doors on a warm spring day still shaking, with small electric shocks pulsating involuntarily around my chest, arms and legs.
“That feeling of being on the outside looking in”
I remember that alcohol was the hardest to give up. It was painful. It took five incredibly excruciating detoxes over the space of six months - played out crudely on a couch (wherever I was allowed to stay) or on the floor of someone’s room somewhere. Followed by four huge jaw dropping relapses. Truly nightmarish blackout days, weeks and months that had me set to blaze most of the bridges I crossed, wherever I happened to go.
What I should’ve known at the time, was that alcohol is the most dangerous thing to withdraw from - indeed, apart from benzos, it’s the only kind of detox that can kill you, more dangerous than heroin or cocaine. I didn’t know I had to medically detox in a safe environment (and I guess my friends didn't either).
It doesn’t matter now, because what I can tell you is that alcohol withdrawal is one of the more unbearable forms of pain I have ever - and I mean EVER - felt in my life. A kind of deep soulful pain. It hurts in your bones, and your psyche. You sweat, you squirm, your head feels like it’s going to burst. And I had the most insatiable hunger I have ever felt. Indeed, I felt like I was starving to death.
Little did I realize how much that pain would come to represent how I had been feeling all my life. I had craved connection to a life that I always felt outside of, even when I was younger. That feeling of being on the outside looking in is common to so many addicts.
The world felt like such a hostile zone to me, that when I found alcohol, it seemed to have all the answers I needed. It swept away all the anxieties I felt and filled in all the gaps. It got me straight into the middle of life. And soon enough, I never wanted to stop. I went from being the life of the party to drinking a mug of bourbon for breakfast before work.
I died a little each day but always needed more. Alcohol was the solution to everything.
There is so much more to my story that I will share with you in this journal in the weeks ahead But if there is one piece of advice I can give you right now it’s this: if you are struggling today, and you have finally said to yourself – ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Then stop everything that you are doing right now! Go and see your doctor as soon as you can. Addiction is an illness of the mind and body, and cannot be treated through willpower alone. Therefore, here comes the good news: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Indeed, you cannot do this alone, and just like if you had broken a leg or fallen sick with a disease, you need to get professional help today.
Don’t try and quit by yourself. You need the support of a medical professional to ensure your safety and wellbeing. Go and see a trusted GP and be upfront: you need help. Fortunately, in New Zealand, there are publicly funded treatment options. Your doctor can refer to either AOD services (that’s Alcohol and other Drugs) or Community Mental Health… You may be eligible for a sickness benefit while you receive treatment.
“Addiction is an illness of the mind and body”
If you need to leave your job, your partner, your family to take the time for yourself – do it… That’s how important this is. Because here’s the thing: what’s a month or even 3 months of time for treatment, or whatever you need, compared to the rest of your life. Life is god damn magical and it can be lived without the shackles of addiction. And if you make different choices, things change. You will have a better career, better relationships with your family and friends. You will love life.
Today I am 4.5 years sober, and I am living the life of my dreams. Mainly because today I have peace of mind and gratitude. Problems don’t go away – that’s life! But it’s a damn sight easier dealing with them sober, than in the throes of addiction. My worst day sober is plenty better than my best day drunk. That’s a fact.
Stay tuned for the next chapter of my recovery story.
David James: aka @marlborough_lights
And if you need help or assistance see your GP or contact:
Alcohol and Drug Helpline: https://alcoholdrughelp.org.nz/helpline/ or Helpline: https://1737.org.nz/